Coffee?

I have written a lot of things admitting how wrong I’d been. Blaming myself for the things that had put me in the worst scenarios of moving on, giving credit to those from whom I have learned the lessons. It seemed to feel I did get by, that I’m strong, that I’m brave enough, So much for those I-was-wrong, now-I know-what-to-do things. So, if this piece would somehow cause your heart to skip a beat, then, this might be for you.

 Loving you and including you as a part of my life is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. Having you in my mind the moment I wake up everyday gives me more reason to live. Putting out the best in me is the challenge I embrace everyday. Knowing that at the end of the day there will be someone to complement me makes me feel that I have lived a wonderful day. I always try to look for the magic and I always believe that I or we will never lose it. I always tell you that I’ll make things happen. I always believe that you will hear me in my silence. I always hope that you know me better, that I know you in a way you wanted me to know you. Losing you was never an option. Keeping you in the sacred part of my heart is a promise. A promise that from the moment I have loved you I had tried to keep but I just don’t know why on Earth, someone or something has to free me from my solemn commitment.

 I can’t remember how it ended. Maybe because I hated you for a long time. So long that I have forgotten the reason of my burden. But I know, I have forgiven you from something I can’t remember or something I don’t want to live forever. Have you been unfaithful? Have I done something wrong? Or is it just we’re never really meant for each other? I don’t know and I’m tired of knowing, all I know is that I never want to go back in that chapter of my life where I had had so many questions and all the answers did not seem to fit.

 It is never the same, I have to admit. It is so hard to love someone more, it is so hard to love someone the way I did love you. It is so hard because I don’t know if I’m capable of loving again without fear, without doubts. Yes, it has been so hard, but I always pray to God that one day I will wake up with the old and better me without the old or better you. I had wake up. I had healed. I had. Alone. Without you.

 And then, we meet again. Seeing you makes me wonder. Am I the only one who have been hurt? Am I the only one who cried when I’m alone? Did you get by sooner than I did? Have we tasted the same pain?

 But I am telling you this. I loved you so much. I used to love you in the same way I love to drink coffee before I begin my day. I used to admire you the way I admire Brad Pitt. I used to complement you more than I complemented Paris Hilton moves with grace. I used to believe you love me the way the earth should rotate around its axis and revolves around the sun. We used to be wonderful together. We used to be great friends, inseparable companion, ideal partners. But why on earth you did let me go?

 And after all these times, why on Earth you wanted me back? Is it because you have breathed out already? Is it because you already pick up what has been lost in you? Is it because you have seen movies that justified a break-up? Is it because you have heard a happy ending after a long agony? I wanted to believe it is because you have realized my worth after a long life without us from each other. I want to have that kind of thinking. But I know, things like that can be read in good romantic novels, which I could also write.

 You can call me pessimistic, stonehearted, narrow-minded. You can attribute to me those negative traits, which the both of us know that I am not. Have the privilege of doing that, but you can never think of me as unreasonable. Because I have all the reasons to hate you but I chose to understand you the moment I have cried out all my pains. I have said I hated you for a long time and by hating you I hated myself more. I have been devastated but I have to pretend that I am fine, I even has to say that it had all been my fault why we didn’t last long. I made stories to cover up those things that have been left unanswered. I did those to protect you, for them not to think ill of you, for them to respect the best part of you that I had. I embraced all the blame. I smiled all along to our friends while you are finding your space, while I am letting go of the space I have provided for you in my life. But hear me when   I say, you need not to ask for that space back because it will be forever yours.

 It is forever yours. It will always be.  But understand that someone had occupied a bigger and better place in my life. Someone had.

 I hope one day we can drink coffee together. Without you asking me what if you have me back and without me answering that question with nothing but a smile.

 I hope we can drink coffee together. Together but plain acquaintances or better yet friends. Just friends.

 

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Rinet

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
- Henri Nouwen

 

My good friend is celebrating her birthday today. Today marks the end of her quarter life crisis. Twenty-six years and she have done so much in her life. She has her own car, how about that! J

 ( Friendster testi starts now). She is tough. She is passionate. Best friend. Good daughter. Thoughtful tita. She is hopelessly romantic (that I doubt if she would agree on). Music is her life that playing guitar and singing herself out loud isn’t enough, she had a G-clef inked in her body ( wala naming facebook si tita no?).

We have been friends since forever. She helped me through my trying times. She is honest. I can say that she is one of the few who knows me too well. I can tell her everything and anything, my unorganized thoughts, my ever-changing dreams, just everything. And also, she is also one of the few whom I don’t feel the need of saying anything. She knows me, I’m not that loud when it comes to the deeper side of me and I’m glad that she respects that.

If  she’s here in Manila and celebrating her birthday, we probably would have dinner with the Miguelin girls. Laughing with the same old stories, drinking coffee, and laughing again with stories we created from the same old stories.

My dear friend Rennette, you know that I wish nothing but only the best for you. You have been through a lot and I always ask God to reward you with the things you most deserved. I tasted your pain and your anger, I see you rise and fall and move forward. I hope that as you give sunshine to everyone you know and you don’t know, that along the way you will find your own sunshine.  

Needless to say, you know that I’m always here, we, are always here for you.

Thank you for the friendship!

Cheers to the 26 years of life!

 

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My Key to Nowhere

And now I can finally move on.

I can finally live with “water under the bridge” thing.

To you, thank you for the apology. I know I have forgiven you, but there was a part of me that was angry because I thought you were too proud and because I thought that you were putting all the blame in me. The word “I’m sorry” meant a lot to me.

And yes. That’s how important being sorry is to me. I admire people who can let go of everything totally.

Everyday, I’m praying that I could be that kind of person too, that I won’t mind you as long as I’m going on with my life. But I just can’t. I have a need to settle things completely, I have a need to say what is on my mind (just like now). I have that kind of thought, that you have to be sorry, you don’t need to regret it, I just need you to be sorry so that I would feel you are honoring my pain. That before I could close the door, I need something to make sure of myself that I will never go to that door again and open it. Yes, your apology was the one last thing I am waiting for, to finally throw that key to nowhere.

I am also honoring the pain I may have brought you. And I never want to go back in that stage of my life where I had too many confusions. That’s why today, I am putting everything behind me. Because now, I can say that I totally forgive you, and I hope you did the same thing with me. I wish nothing but the best for you. I may not be around, you may not find me anywhere, but keep in mind that I asked God to help you and look out for you as you are traversing life.

Thank you for everything. You may not know it, but in some way or another, you helped me.

One day.., I wish I could tell you everything.

 

 

 

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Of Happy Tunes and Upward Glances

A friend of mine send me this video in my email.

I thought this is one of those videos with our funny faces or her video being a porn star. :)

But it is not. And it is way better than Carabuena’s video of maligning an MMDA officer, even better by the videos I made or have seen that speaks of love. This is a video of selfless love. A supreme act of the heart. 

This video touched my heart and I thought, I want to be a part of this advocacy. I may not be able to give a million peso, but I want to be able to bring them my sunshine, my love and my care. 

Friends, I am sharing this video to you, to awaken the hero and goodness in your heart. 

Let us help in any way we can.

Please pm me, text me or email me if you want to be a part of this opportunity– of enriching the lives of others through our selfless acts.

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A bit of luck for everything

I don’t have everything. I have so many imperfections and insecurities. I lived a life and am still living a life wherein I have to work my way to get something. Life is unfair.  But I am very much blessed with people around me.

I always say that “malakas ako kay Papa God”, “favorite ako ni Papa God”. It is because I never felt alone during my hardships. When I want something, I get it. Not because of my persistence alone but because God gives it to me. He answers my prayers through wonderful people that I met along the way.


I thought it would be hard for me to finish college. Life has been difficult for my family when we lost our mother. But I had this wonderful teacher in High school who was very close to me, Mrs. Mira Villamayor-Reyes (God, bless her soul), she helped me to get a scholarship. When I was in college in PSBA-Manila, I met this wonderful man, Dr. Jose F. Peralta who sees me like her daughter and who I see as my second father. I was so blessed because he helped me until I graduated; he helped me during my CPA review and is still supporting my Master’s degree in PSBA-Manila. Through scholarships and with the help of wonderful people, I was able to finish high school and college without having to spend a dime.


I am also blessed with fantastic friends. It feels good to know that whenever I need someone for help or for anything, I know there are people who would be there. I may not have thousands of facebook friends, but I have number of friends that are trusted who never left me and will never leave me in any circumstances. In happy times and bad times, I have the best of friends that Papa God pre- selected for me.

College days. "kunwari pagod tayo" mode. 

With my friends since elementary years

My best friends

My other best friends

MPP colleagues

Pipo and his famous "pa-cute smile

What else could I ask for? Papa God gave me a wonderful man. God gave me someone who treats me like I’m sort of extinct species, he takes good care of me, spoils me, understands me, loves me. He never asks anything of and from me. I don’t just have a boyfriend to share intimate moments with, I have a friend who listens to me, laughs at my corniest jokes and stupidities, teaches me to drink medicines (I don’t know how to take capsules and tablets), pushes me to eat veggies. God gave me someone who can deal with my PMS, with my mood swings and irrationalities. Someone who would not mind how much I love him, all that matters to him is how much he loves me. He taught and showed me the meaning of unconditional acceptance and love. He loves me the most when I love him the least.

Efrel, Pipo and Michael

But above all, I have my family. It is not perfect, but we are tight, we have been tested by so many problems and I’m proud to say that together we stood still. I have great parents who brought us in this world, guided by love. They thought us the do’s and don’ts of life and sometimes because of our stubbornness, they just let us learn from our very own experiences. I have siblings who support and believe in me. With them, I have instant “kaaway”and “ka-tsismisan”. We go to mall together, plan special occasions together. Our life had never been a piece of cake, but it feels good to think that though we tasted the bitterness of life, we are now enjoying a bit of sweetness life could offer. And while we are aware that there can be problems along the way, we gladly would face it, who would be scared if God has been on our side from the very beginning?

Indeed, I am lucky.

Sana swertehin din ako sa raffle! J

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Level up, baby!

I don’t understand why some people will try so hard to take one’s sunshine.

I’m very furious about this hater(s) my friend has. All she does is to post or email her harsh comments about her life, her past and just everything about her.

And also, my friend’s facebook account has been hacked, and what this hacker does is to post unnecessary, below-the-belt status and comments.

For those who have been cyber- bullied or bullied in any way possible: Just don’t let them take away your sunshine. It is very tempting to fight back, to get even, but just let them fulfill their purpose in life. And that is to live just to make others life miserable, to take somebody’s light, only to find out that they are haunted by their own shadows and skeletons.

I feel for my friends, all I want to do is to track down those people who are treating them bad and get even for them. It’s not because I’m a good friend or what, it’s just that I know my friends, I know their battles, their life-bearings, their miseries and regrets. And I don’t understand why there are pathetic people who are hiding their real names behind false names only to cause more worries.

And to those who are abusing the so- called freedom of expression, and to those who uses this right as a weapon to hurt people, you are way better than this. Aren’t you raised to only say things that make sense? Aren’t you raised to speak when it is appropriate? Do you need an elaborate definition and examples of constructive and destructive criticisms?

Dear my friends’ detractors, I thank you because you are just showing my friends how brave they are by showing them how insecure you are. Thank you for being the sandpaper that refines them. Thank you for all your efforts to drag them down. And I pity you, I pity you because you have to hide your identity because you know for a fact how lame your actions are. I pity you because you are self-centered and narrow-minded. These people have gone through so much in life but they are still standing. They have been wounded and maybe as of the moment are still healing, but they are still embracing your harsh words hoping that, that still will make them stronger.

There will always be people who will try to destroy you. And they will never succeed, because these people are born losers. But I want to help these people by giving them an unsolicited advice:

Life is unfair, you may have been wronged by other people, in one way or another, maybe you have been bullied or maybe, the people you are berating have done unforgivable things to you. But all you have to do is to level up. Would you want to be the reason why some concludes life is unfair? Would you want to be one who takes away their sunshine? Would you want to be the sandpaper that refines them? Have you seen how sandpaper looks like after it has done its purpose? It is ugly, it fits only in trash. You wouldn’t want to be there forever. If you feel people have done wrong to you, speak up, have the courage and a heart to face them and tell them how you feel. That is the only way to end the cycle.

We are responsible for our own happiness and miseries.

Create your own weather, and if you can’t, please, try not to take away somebody’s sunshine.

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Not a TomKat fairytale

For how many weeks now, I am so into Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's break-up. Every morning, I visit People.com to know what the latest is. I was shocked, maybe as shocked as Tom Cruise when I found out about the divorce.

They seemed to be very happy together. In pictures, there was nothing but smile and happiness and contentment. Katie seemed to be a lucky girl who married his Prince Charming and Tom Cruise is., well Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise.

But what went wrong?

I’m not a fan of either of the two. I’m just this normal girl who watches Tom Cruise’s movies because not watching those aren’t normal. But I am very intrigued about the divorce.

Is it just the way it is for Hollywood couple?

But I don’t want to dig deeper because I know nothing about their marriage, but here are some points that I think, necessary for couples to deal with before saying "I DO".

RELIGION

Religion plays a vital role in a marriage. These are the beliefs that will mold your family. It is the faith that you will hold on to when everything is nothing. For me, it is not something that you will just let go for the one you love. It is not something that you will just easily trade-off. Couple should talk about it, it is not a topic of “we’ll get to that later”. For me it is important and urgent.

FINANCIAL SECURITY

Money is important. Let’s stop the bull crap in saying "our love will find a way". Not that I’m saying that it should be a number one priority but it should be a priority. The food to eat, the house to live in, the clothes to wear, the life you want to give to your family is not payable in L-O-V-E, it is actually payable in C-A-S-H.

MATURITY

I am already 26, am I matured enough to get married? Maybe it doesn’t lie on my age alone. It lies on my maturity level. Am I willing to compromise some of the important things in my life to begin a family? Am I matured enough to accept the fact that I can’t or shan’t or won’t make decisions alone because I already have a better half? Am I matured enough to leave a life of independence and enter a life of interdependence?  These are important questions that need a lot of thorough thinking.

Among others, love, acceptance, respect, trust are important ingredients in a relationship. I am no expert in relationships, but when I get married, I want to make it last. I want to embrace the sacred promise of “till death do us part”. I believe a relationship is a work of love, of trust, of supreme acceptance and respect.

That is why I told myself not to answer the question “will you marry me?” with a YES if there’s no diamond ring, I mean, without thinking thoroughly.  Because if I say “yes”, eventually I will say “I do”. And when that time comes, I wanted to be sure that he is the one, not because some cliché’ makes him the one but because I made him my "the one". And I will make it work. And we will make it work. And we will beat the odds.

And our story will be far from TomKat fairytale turned into divorce. It will be like Carl and Ellie (the characters in UP, the movie with a  flying house). Where they grow old together. Where they fulfill the promise of “till death do us part”.

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