My Key to Nowhere

And now I can finally move on.

I can finally live with “water under the bridge” thing.

To you, thank you for the apology. I know I have forgiven you, but there was a part of me that was angry because I thought you were too proud and because I thought that you were putting all the blame in me. The word “I’m sorry” meant a lot to me.

And yes. That’s how important being sorry is to me. I admire people who can let go of everything totally.

Everyday, I’m praying that I could be that kind of person too, that I won’t mind you as long as I’m going on with my life. But I just can’t. I have a need to settle things completely, I have a need to say what is on my mind (just like now). I have that kind of thought, that you have to be sorry, you don’t need to regret it, I just need you to be sorry so that I would feel you are honoring my pain. That before I could close the door, I need something to make sure of myself that I will never go to that door again and open it. Yes, your apology was the one last thing I am waiting for, to finally throw that key to nowhere.

I am also honoring the pain I may have brought you. And I never want to go back in that stage of my life where I had too many confusions. That’s why today, I am putting everything behind me. Because now, I can say that I totally forgive you, and I hope you did the same thing with me. I wish nothing but the best for you. I may not be around, you may not find me anywhere, but keep in mind that I asked God to help you and look out for you as you are traversing life.

Thank you for everything. You may not know it, but in some way or another, you helped me.

One day.., I wish I could tell you everything.

 

 

 

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Of Happy Tunes and Upward Glances

A friend of mine send me this video in my email.

I thought this is one of those videos with our funny faces or her video being a porn star. :)

But it is not. And it is way better than Carabuena’s video of maligning an MMDA officer, even better by the videos I made or have seen that speaks of love. This is a video of selfless love. A supreme act of the heart. 

This video touched my heart and I thought, I want to be a part of this advocacy. I may not be able to give a million peso, but I want to be able to bring them my sunshine, my love and my care. 

Friends, I am sharing this video to you, to awaken the hero and goodness in your heart. 

Let us help in any way we can.

Please pm me, text me or email me if you want to be a part of this opportunity– of enriching the lives of others through our selfless acts.

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A bit of luck for everything

I don’t have everything. I have so many imperfections and insecurities. I lived a life and am still living a life wherein I have to work my way to get something. Life is unfair.  But I am very much blessed with people around me.

I always say that “malakas ako kay Papa God”, “favorite ako ni Papa God”. It is because I never felt alone during my hardships. When I want something, I get it. Not because of my persistence alone but because God gives it to me. He answers my prayers through wonderful people that I met along the way.


I thought it would be hard for me to finish college. Life has been difficult for my family when we lost our mother. But I had this wonderful teacher in High school who was very close to me, Mrs. Mira Villamayor-Reyes (God, bless her soul), she helped me to get a scholarship. When I was in college in PSBA-Manila, I met this wonderful man, Dr. Jose F. Peralta who sees me like her daughter and who I see as my second father. I was so blessed because he helped me until I graduated; he helped me during my CPA review and is still supporting my Master’s degree in PSBA-Manila. Through scholarships and with the help of wonderful people, I was able to finish high school and college without having to spend a dime.


I am also blessed with fantastic friends. It feels good to know that whenever I need someone for help or for anything, I know there are people who would be there. I may not have thousands of facebook friends, but I have number of friends that are trusted who never left me and will never leave me in any circumstances. In happy times and bad times, I have the best of friends that Papa God pre- selected for me.

College days. "kunwari pagod tayo" mode. 

With my friends since elementary years

My best friends

My other best friends

MPP colleagues

Pipo and his famous "pa-cute smile

What else could I ask for? Papa God gave me a wonderful man. God gave me someone who treats me like I’m sort of extinct species, he takes good care of me, spoils me, understands me, loves me. He never asks anything of and from me. I don’t just have a boyfriend to share intimate moments with, I have a friend who listens to me, laughs at my corniest jokes and stupidities, teaches me to drink medicines (I don’t know how to take capsules and tablets), pushes me to eat veggies. God gave me someone who can deal with my PMS, with my mood swings and irrationalities. Someone who would not mind how much I love him, all that matters to him is how much he loves me. He taught and showed me the meaning of unconditional acceptance and love. He loves me the most when I love him the least.

Efrel, Pipo and Michael

But above all, I have my family. It is not perfect, but we are tight, we have been tested by so many problems and I’m proud to say that together we stood still. I have great parents who brought us in this world, guided by love. They thought us the do’s and don’ts of life and sometimes because of our stubbornness, they just let us learn from our very own experiences. I have siblings who support and believe in me. With them, I have instant “kaaway”and “ka-tsismisan”. We go to mall together, plan special occasions together. Our life had never been a piece of cake, but it feels good to think that though we tasted the bitterness of life, we are now enjoying a bit of sweetness life could offer. And while we are aware that there can be problems along the way, we gladly would face it, who would be scared if God has been on our side from the very beginning?

Indeed, I am lucky.

Sana swertehin din ako sa raffle! J

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Level up, baby!

I don’t understand why some people will try so hard to take one’s sunshine.

I’m very furious about this hater(s) my friend has. All she does is to post or email her harsh comments about her life, her past and just everything about her.

And also, my friend’s facebook account has been hacked, and what this hacker does is to post unnecessary, below-the-belt status and comments.

For those who have been cyber- bullied or bullied in any way possible: Just don’t let them take away your sunshine. It is very tempting to fight back, to get even, but just let them fulfill their purpose in life. And that is to live just to make others life miserable, to take somebody’s light, only to find out that they are haunted by their own shadows and skeletons.

I feel for my friends, all I want to do is to track down those people who are treating them bad and get even for them. It’s not because I’m a good friend or what, it’s just that I know my friends, I know their battles, their life-bearings, their miseries and regrets. And I don’t understand why there are pathetic people who are hiding their real names behind false names only to cause more worries.

And to those who are abusing the so- called freedom of expression, and to those who uses this right as a weapon to hurt people, you are way better than this. Aren’t you raised to only say things that make sense? Aren’t you raised to speak when it is appropriate? Do you need an elaborate definition and examples of constructive and destructive criticisms?

Dear my friends’ detractors, I thank you because you are just showing my friends how brave they are by showing them how insecure you are. Thank you for being the sandpaper that refines them. Thank you for all your efforts to drag them down. And I pity you, I pity you because you have to hide your identity because you know for a fact how lame your actions are. I pity you because you are self-centered and narrow-minded. These people have gone through so much in life but they are still standing. They have been wounded and maybe as of the moment are still healing, but they are still embracing your harsh words hoping that, that still will make them stronger.

There will always be people who will try to destroy you. And they will never succeed, because these people are born losers. But I want to help these people by giving them an unsolicited advice:

Life is unfair, you may have been wronged by other people, in one way or another, maybe you have been bullied or maybe, the people you are berating have done unforgivable things to you. But all you have to do is to level up. Would you want to be the reason why some concludes life is unfair? Would you want to be one who takes away their sunshine? Would you want to be the sandpaper that refines them? Have you seen how sandpaper looks like after it has done its purpose? It is ugly, it fits only in trash. You wouldn’t want to be there forever. If you feel people have done wrong to you, speak up, have the courage and a heart to face them and tell them how you feel. That is the only way to end the cycle.

We are responsible for our own happiness and miseries.

Create your own weather, and if you can’t, please, try not to take away somebody’s sunshine.

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Not a TomKat fairytale

For how many weeks now, I am so into Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's break-up. Every morning, I visit People.com to know what the latest is. I was shocked, maybe as shocked as Tom Cruise when I found out about the divorce.

They seemed to be very happy together. In pictures, there was nothing but smile and happiness and contentment. Katie seemed to be a lucky girl who married his Prince Charming and Tom Cruise is., well Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise.

But what went wrong?

I’m not a fan of either of the two. I’m just this normal girl who watches Tom Cruise’s movies because not watching those aren’t normal. But I am very intrigued about the divorce.

Is it just the way it is for Hollywood couple?

But I don’t want to dig deeper because I know nothing about their marriage, but here are some points that I think, necessary for couples to deal with before saying "I DO".

RELIGION

Religion plays a vital role in a marriage. These are the beliefs that will mold your family. It is the faith that you will hold on to when everything is nothing. For me, it is not something that you will just let go for the one you love. It is not something that you will just easily trade-off. Couple should talk about it, it is not a topic of “we’ll get to that later”. For me it is important and urgent.

FINANCIAL SECURITY

Money is important. Let’s stop the bull crap in saying "our love will find a way". Not that I’m saying that it should be a number one priority but it should be a priority. The food to eat, the house to live in, the clothes to wear, the life you want to give to your family is not payable in L-O-V-E, it is actually payable in C-A-S-H.

MATURITY

I am already 26, am I matured enough to get married? Maybe it doesn’t lie on my age alone. It lies on my maturity level. Am I willing to compromise some of the important things in my life to begin a family? Am I matured enough to accept the fact that I can’t or shan’t or won’t make decisions alone because I already have a better half? Am I matured enough to leave a life of independence and enter a life of interdependence?  These are important questions that need a lot of thorough thinking.

Among others, love, acceptance, respect, trust are important ingredients in a relationship. I am no expert in relationships, but when I get married, I want to make it last. I want to embrace the sacred promise of “till death do us part”. I believe a relationship is a work of love, of trust, of supreme acceptance and respect.

That is why I told myself not to answer the question “will you marry me?” with a YES if there’s no diamond ring, I mean, without thinking thoroughly.  Because if I say “yes”, eventually I will say “I do”. And when that time comes, I wanted to be sure that he is the one, not because some cliché’ makes him the one but because I made him my "the one". And I will make it work. And we will make it work. And we will beat the odds.

And our story will be far from TomKat fairytale turned into divorce. It will be like Carl and Ellie (the characters in UP, the movie with a  flying house). Where they grow old together. Where they fulfill the promise of “till death do us part”.

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TIME MACHINE

Is there a real Doraemon? I envy Nobita for he have this friend who can give him anything that he desires. Anything seems to be in Doraemon’s pocket. If along the way, I bumped into Doraemon, I will ask him just one thing. I’ll ask him to lend me his time machine.

Doraemon and his time machine

There are times that I wanted to go back to time. To express unsaid appreciation, to take back hurtful words, to give way to emotions outpouring, and to do or to undo the things that were supposed or not supposed to be done.

In sci-fi movies, more often than not, there are time machines. They send their agents to the past to fix things so that future can be assured. Or they send people to the future so that catastrophes are eliminated. Having these kind of movies makes me think that a lot of people thought of this: TIME MACHINE is the key!

Long have I wanted for a time machine. I wanted a time machine to go back to my past to say the words that I hadn’t say because I’m too proud. Or because I thought it isn’t the right time yet. I wanted a time machine to undo the things that keep me hurting in the present. I wanted a time machine to look into my future, to find out if I have lived my life right so that when I go back to my present I can worry no more. I wanted to peek into my future to see who I’ll grow old with, and when I go back in the present all I have to do is to find the one. I wanted a time machine to see the winning number combination to win the lottery so that I can do anything. Sky is the limit.

But there is no such thing. But there is God.

The want to time machine brings me to want a new idea. ACCEPTANCE. Accept the fact that I have been coward to say sorry, that I have been careless to my words and actions. That at one point in my life I have been selfish and hurt people.

Accept the things that are done. Accept the consequences. Accept, move on and make it a pact to never do the same mistakes again. Make it a promise that at no point in your life you will be needing a time machine again. Because you learned to say things carefully and do things rightfully.

We are not perfect. And we will never be. Acceptance is a very pure idea. Only with God that it could be possible. 

So instead maybe of looking for Doraemon, I will just ask God not to lend me his time machine but to instill in me the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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L.O.S.T

I’m bad at directions.

People who know me can account many stories to prove how factual that is.

 And people who don’t, can conclude that immediately once they asked me the “where” questions.

 It’s just that, even I tried so hard to pay attention to street names and numbers, landmarks and any other signage, I just can’t. I have this kind of stupidity, a rare kind in which I can be lost a few times in places that I’d already been. And I have this experience that I’ve been in different time zone because of no-sense-of-direction-thing (please, I’m just exaggerating, really!)

Actually, when I was still thinking of creating a blog, I did ask my friends what should I blog about, what the blog name would be., and ideas like “the girl who can’t be found” and “until I find my way” popped. And they suggested sarcastically that my blog would be about experiences of being lost. LOST. Literally. And of course, I did not entertain the idea of humiliating myself and the idea that I’d have to write about directions to redeem myself and be humiliated again because of giving the wrong directions. (Oh, I love my friends!)

But I can’t blame them. They usually receive unexpected text messages from me. Asking things like these:

April: Anong pede kong masakyan para makarating ako sa Ayala?

Friend 1: Sakay ka sa *jargon* (when they say too many places and too many landmarks, I feel that they are speaking in a different language)

April: Yung pinaka madali na yung sabihin mo.

Friend 1: Madali na yun. Mag-taxi ka na nga lang.

And these:

April: Pag sumakay ako sa Taytay Estrella, san ako bababa para makarating ng Angono?

Friend 2: Sa junction ka bumaba bago kumanan. Hehehe

Yes, whenever I ask for direction, I have to accept the fact that there are unheard laughter behind the text messages. And sometimes, those laughter though unheard are well received in their replies which may  include :D, J, =)), hehehe, LOL.

And one time a friend asked me…

Friend 3: Asan kayo? San ang Pepper Lunch sa Mega?

And I, having this know-it-all attitude gave her the direction, and she realized what a mistake she’d done in asking me by seeing herself strolling the mall for nearly an hour.

Let’s just stop with those anecdotes, I have hundreds of stories and don’t make me tell you the stories about Vicente Cruz and Tagaytay escapade. And to those who already knew, I beg you, don’t tell other people. Please.

But in my defense, and I always say these things.  I’m smart; my resume can tell you that (ehem). I think I just choose this kind of weakness. Hehe, kidding aside, I don’t remember places because I treasure every moment of being in these places. I enjoy the view, no matter how simple, no matter how familiar, no matter how unwelcoming. I enjoy every scenes, the noise, the daydreaming.

At the end of the day, the journey is what that matters, not the destination.

And no matter how many times I say these things, nobody believes me. 

Nevertheless, I consider myself brave enough to explore different places without me knowing how to get there and how to find my way back. I have good friends, I’m surrounded with good people that will always lead me back home. Never in my experiences that I have been left unanswered, never in my experiences that I felt alone wherever I am.

So be in the places you want to be. Explore. When you are lost, when you can’t find your way back, when you don’t have a penny for a ride home.., don’t be afraid because there is always someone who will find you no matter what and you’ll suddenly realize… “I’m home”.

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