Coffee?

I have written a lot of things admitting how wrong I’d been. Blaming myself for the things that had put me in the worst scenarios of moving on, giving credit to those from whom I have learned the lessons. It seemed to feel I did get by, that I’m strong, that I’m brave enough, So much for those I-was-wrong, now-I know-what-to-do things. So, if this piece would somehow cause your heart to skip a beat, then, this might be for you.

 Loving you and including you as a part of my life is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. Having you in my mind the moment I wake up everyday gives me more reason to live. Putting out the best in me is the challenge I embrace everyday. Knowing that at the end of the day there will be someone to complement me makes me feel that I have lived a wonderful day. I always try to look for the magic and I always believe that I or we will never lose it. I always tell you that I’ll make things happen. I always believe that you will hear me in my silence. I always hope that you know me better, that I know you in a way you wanted me to know you. Losing you was never an option. Keeping you in the sacred part of my heart is a promise. A promise that from the moment I have loved you I had tried to keep but I just don’t know why on Earth, someone or something has to free me from my solemn commitment.

 I can’t remember how it ended. Maybe because I hated you for a long time. So long that I have forgotten the reason of my burden. But I know, I have forgiven you from something I can’t remember or something I don’t want to live forever. Have you been unfaithful? Have I done something wrong? Or is it just we’re never really meant for each other? I don’t know and I’m tired of knowing, all I know is that I never want to go back in that chapter of my life where I had had so many questions and all the answers did not seem to fit.

 It is never the same, I have to admit. It is so hard to love someone more, it is so hard to love someone the way I did love you. It is so hard because I don’t know if I’m capable of loving again without fear, without doubts. Yes, it has been so hard, but I always pray to God that one day I will wake up with the old and better me without the old or better you. I had wake up. I had healed. I had. Alone. Without you.

 And then, we meet again. Seeing you makes me wonder. Am I the only one who have been hurt? Am I the only one who cried when I’m alone? Did you get by sooner than I did? Have we tasted the same pain?

 But I am telling you this. I loved you so much. I used to love you in the same way I love to drink coffee before I begin my day. I used to admire you the way I admire Brad Pitt. I used to complement you more than I complemented Paris Hilton moves with grace. I used to believe you love me the way the earth should rotate around its axis and revolves around the sun. We used to be wonderful together. We used to be great friends, inseparable companion, ideal partners. But why on earth you did let me go?

 And after all these times, why on Earth you wanted me back? Is it because you have breathed out already? Is it because you already pick up what has been lost in you? Is it because you have seen movies that justified a break-up? Is it because you have heard a happy ending after a long agony? I wanted to believe it is because you have realized my worth after a long life without us from each other. I want to have that kind of thinking. But I know, things like that can be read in good romantic novels, which I could also write.

 You can call me pessimistic, stonehearted, narrow-minded. You can attribute to me those negative traits, which the both of us know that I am not. Have the privilege of doing that, but you can never think of me as unreasonable. Because I have all the reasons to hate you but I chose to understand you the moment I have cried out all my pains. I have said I hated you for a long time and by hating you I hated myself more. I have been devastated but I have to pretend that I am fine, I even has to say that it had all been my fault why we didn’t last long. I made stories to cover up those things that have been left unanswered. I did those to protect you, for them not to think ill of you, for them to respect the best part of you that I had. I embraced all the blame. I smiled all along to our friends while you are finding your space, while I am letting go of the space I have provided for you in my life. But hear me when   I say, you need not to ask for that space back because it will be forever yours.

 It is forever yours. It will always be.  But understand that someone had occupied a bigger and better place in my life. Someone had.

 I hope one day we can drink coffee together. Without you asking me what if you have me back and without me answering that question with nothing but a smile.

 I hope we can drink coffee together. Together but plain acquaintances or better yet friends. Just friends.