It’s been a while since I last write about
things that matter to me the most (love letters not included). I guess it’s been a decade since I made a
promise that I won’t write again, that I won’t be read again without paying
tribute first to the person I admire the most. To the woman I look up to the
most. To my mother to whom I owe my life with. I don’t intend to start my blog
with melancholic writings. But I know, this is something that I really have to
do. I have tried so many times, but every time I feel the pain, every time
emptiness sinks in, I stopped. But today, I will try again and hopefully
succeed. Today, I will write about you ‘Nay, I will tell your story, your love,
your battle.
I was fourteen when I lost my mom, I lost
her to cancer, malignant lymphoma. During those times, young as I was, I did
not know what cancer is, true that I heard of it, but never pay attention to it
until one day. It was a painful experience to four of us, her children, and
especially to my dad. Until now, I have questions in my mind. My mom died
because of cancer, and was diagnosed to it 13 years before her death, but we (
my sisters and I) only found out about it two months before Mr. Joe Black took her
away from us.
Nobody told me what my mother is going
through with. I remember there was one time that our father would tell us that
my mom is ill, but he never tells us with what. And we never really get that.
My mom is strong. She is a kind who always wanted to be busy. She always does
something. She rides her bicycle every time. My mother was an Avon lady, and I
guess one of the best! She always brings home trophies or plaques of
recognition, indicating therein that she generates sales the most. My mother
knows how to sew. When we were young, she was the one who made our Sunday
dresses. In my memories, my mother is an active woman, always-on-the-go. She
have this kind of laugh which is so loud (well now, I realize where I get my
kind of laugh), she have this aura of passion, she nags, but once everything is
cool, we would make fun of what she nags about.
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| My mother riding her bicycle |
She is this active person, doing everything
she wants to do, providing us with everything we need to have. But at the back
of her mind, there is cancer that threatens her life, opposite her smiles are
worries and fears, she is having sleepless nights worrying about us, our
future, while we are having soundless
sleep knowing that tomorrow, my mom would still be there taking care of our
breakfast and what clothes to put in.
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| Nanay and Tatay (90's something) |
I have said that we never know what she’s
going through. My parents were good in keeping secrets. For thirteen years,
they kept that to themselves. For so long she is having her check-ups in Philippine
General Hospital and we never had any idea., they would tell us that my mom
have to go to Manila to buy supplies for my dad, my dad is an electrician, he
usually buy things to Quaipo. So they have a concrete alibi with that one. Fool
as we were, we never have doubted, but well, who would? We love that she goes
to Manila, because when she gets home, she always have something for all of us.
Little did we know...
But no secrets can be kept untold. Time has
come. Her illness is getting the best of her. There were nights that she can’t
sleep because of pain, there were nights that we would hear her sobbing in
tears, trying so hard to keep it to herself, so that we won’t worry, so that we
could have that soundless sleep she always wanted us to have.
Up to now, I have this thought that what if
we have money, what if we can give her proper medication. Yes I know, cancer,
most of the time is a dead end, but if we have money, we could have provided
her with right medicines, we could have lessened the pain she is bearing. We
could have done that. But during those times, we only have things enough to
make us through the day.
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| Nanay and I, (recognition day, I'm probably 10 yrs old here) |
My mother’s medication, her chemo therapy
doesn’t cost much. Because what has been used for her therapies are expired
dosages. We only knew about that when she was gone. My mother did not opt for
expensive treatments, she worries that that would make us poorer than poor. My
dad told us that there is this nurse in PGH that loves my mom so dearly that
talks about this treatment, she shouldn’t pay much, but they believe that it
would still have an effect on her illness. Expired medication, that is the
reason why she never loses her hair, the medication wasn’t strong enough. Until now, I have mixed emotions regarding
that matter. I wished my mom didn’t worry about us that much, that she worried
for herself more instead, but what do I know, I’m not a mother. Maybe that what
is being a mother requires. Selfless love. And I would ask myself why did my
father did not stop her, why did he not insist? But knowing my mom, I
understand my dad, my mother is very persistent when it comes to us. She is
really strict when it comes to our welfare, there were times that she would nag
at us because she is so concerned about us., so my dad just let my mom decide
for her welfare, because my mom’s welfare is us.
And after her long battle to malignant
lymphoma, she passed away, August 17, 2000. Her death weakened and strengthened
us. We were all so wounded. I was so wounded. I have been lost. I was angry. I
was just fourteen and I don’t have a mother. There was no one to attend to my
JS Prom night needs. I have no mother to plan my 18th birthday. I
have no one to talk to about my teenager problems. In my mind, it was all just
unfair. In our minds and hearts, fate played with us. I was fourteen years old
but I have to plan my future alone.
My mother passing is a test we, my family,
never thought will going to pass. We healed by ourselves. Each of us find
comfort in the hands of other people, we seldom talk about it. That was how
deep the scars were. My father tried to reach out. But we were so much in pain,
that we rather drown ourselves with the punches of life. But one day, the scars
are still there but I don’t know exactly how and why, we stood up again as a
family, caring for each other so much, having this thought in our minds, that
one day, when we see our mother again, we could say: “Nay, you made us all
this! Hindi kayo nabigo ng Tatay sa plano nyong buhay para sa amin”.
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| College graduation. (My dad with my 3 sisters) |
It’s been over a decade now, and I still
wish you are with us today and in our every tomorrows. I can’t imagine how you
lived your life. I can’t imagine how strong you were. I wish we knew
differently, I wish we shared with you your battle, your tears, but I guess
that is how you wanted it to be. You wanted us to live with your memories,
without sickness, without fears, you wanted to be strong for us to be strong.
Now I understand why God took you away from
us when we were little. Because God doesn’t want you, His child, to be in more
pain. You have suffered enough my dear mother. In God’s arm, in a place where
you are today, you can sleep tight. Have no worries because when you wake up,
all of us will be by your side. Telling you our stories. When you wake up, no
cancer can ever weaken you again, no sickness can make you fall again.
Nanay, I love you and I will forever miss you.
See you in the other side of the rainbow!
I don’t understand why some people will try so hard to take
one’s sunshine.
